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Learning to play golf

Me wife says to me one day "Ain't it about time you learned to play this golf thing that all the other husbands are playin'?"

So I go next door and ask my neighbor "Can you teach me to play golf?"

He: "Sure. Have you got some balls and a club?"

Me: "?.....of course. Why?"

He: "Well bring'em to the club house tomorrow and we'll Tee-off."

Me: "Tee-off? Whats this Tee-off?"

He: "Oh, its just a golf term and we'll Tee-off right next to the clubhouse."

Me: "Look, you Tee-off where ever you want to but I'll Tee-off in private if you don't mind."

He: "(chuckle) No no, a Tee's that little thing about the size of your little finger."

Me: (them damn women been talk'n again)

He: "Look, the first thing you do is stick your Tee in the ground and put your ball on top of it."

Me: "Oh, this is sit down game?"

He: "No, you're standing up when you put your ball on the Tee."

Me: "Isn't that strechin' things a bit far?"

He: "No. You got a bag to go along with your balls'n clubs?"

Me: "?.....of course. Why?"

He: "Zippered bag or velcro?"

Me: "?...........neither."

He: "Oh, well how do you hold your club?"

Me: "Two fingers."

He: "No, no. That's not right. Look, let me get around behind you like this. Now spread your feet apart a bit. Bend over a bit. Now I'll put my arms around you and show you how to swing."

Me: "Damn man, I spent six years in the Navy and I know what you got on your mind."

He: "O.K., look, you take your club and swing it over your shoulder..."

Me: "No, no, that's my brother Jimmy you're thinking' of."

He: ". . . and you hit your ball with it and it'll soar and soar."

Me: "I can well believe that."

He: "Then when your on the green . . ."

Me: "What's the green thing?"

He: "Ah, thats where the hole is."

Me: "You color blind?"

He: "No, why?"

He: "...anyway, when you get there, you take your putter..."

Me: "Whats a putter?"

He: "The smallest club made"

M: (DAMN that woman, just can't keep her mouth shut).

He: "...and with it you put the ball in the hole."

Me: "You mean the putter?"

He: "No, the ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter."

Me: "Well - that's when I knew he didn't know what he was talkin' about, because I've seen holes big enough for a horse-n-wagon."

He: "Then after the first hole, you go on to the next 17."

Me: "I quit. Takes me 18 days to make one hole. Besides, how would I know when I'm in the 18th one?"

He: "Why, the holes got a flag in it."

Me: "Sheeez!"


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