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Golfing truths, sayings and cliches

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The captain of the Club you wish to join turns out to be someone you were at school with: and you never got on.
The Club secretary is always on the course when you want him, but is in the bar when you sub is overdue.
The distant puff of sand you see means that your ball has not carried the bunker and what's more, it is plugged under the lip.
The fact that trees are ninety per cent air does not mean your ball avoid the remaining ten per cent of timber.
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